wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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