But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
