they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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