Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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