I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
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If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
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My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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