She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
