I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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