The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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