WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
