Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
