When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
