i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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