She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
COCAINE IS GR8
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
