Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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