He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
