i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
