I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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