rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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