i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
