I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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