She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
