Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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