Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
