does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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