note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
