Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
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WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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