I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
