tequila makes me forget i have legs
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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