I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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