You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
