NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
