i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
