OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
