I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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