I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
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I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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