I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
