I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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