woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
