i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
