I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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