what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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