I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
