you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
