I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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