she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
