i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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