It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
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You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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