I cut my penus on the lid.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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