look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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