I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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