so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
