guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
