I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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