she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
