She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
