I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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