Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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