I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
