who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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